Her side of the bed…

April 25, 2010 at 11:29 am (Uncategorized)

I haven’t been sleeping well lately. Maybe it is because my husband hasn’t been sleeping in the bed with me. To tell you the truth it isn’t a new think. He is a night owl and with his back problems, he is often up until 4 or 5 in the morning. But the minute he crawls into bed with me, I wake up. It feels like a stranger is there. He doesn’t lay next to me. He lays as far from me as possible. If he touches me at all, it is his knees, and they are in the middle of my back. Or maybe they are his feet that might accidently brush mine. If he calls for anyone, it is for the dog to lick the oil from his back… I long to be held at night. I know it hurts him and for that I feel selfish, but I can’t help how I feel. There have been one or two times I have caught myself with tears in my eyes after he has climbed into bed when he is on his side and I am on mine. Sometimes I will cuddle up to him only tp have him push off with complaints of how hot he is… So it is just easier to just get up and start my day… For now at least, rather than be two strangers sharing one bed.


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April 24, 2010 at 3:22 am (Uncategorized)

That’s what I’m doing… Sitting, Waiting, Wishing… Thoughts just wondering what to do next. What is going on and where things are going… And then I look down to see if any word has come through… But nothing right now… Guess it is back to the real world to me…

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damaged goods

April 18, 2010 at 9:50 pm (Uncategorized)

Aren’t we all damaged in one way or another. Haven’t we all has some incident in our past effect us in some way that we forever changed some way that we act or think or feel about ourselves? I know that I have had quite a few and as a result I cannot look in the mirror and like what I see looking back at me. There are some days that are better than others. Some days I can look and see a slight glimmer of hope for the girl who is staring back at me. But most days I look and see a fat little punta who deserves all the hardships that are coming her way….

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March 13, 2010 at 10:00 pm (Uncategorized)

Blue is the tiny mark on her cheek that I put there. I begged him not to leave me alone with her I told him that she still didn’t listen to me but he doesn’t care. He needs his time alone too. So he leaves me with her. One strike and I am fine. Two strikes and I feel my blood start to boil. Three strikes and I am questioning her “Why aren’t you listening to me?” And she gives me that blank state that I can’t stand. My tempter is getting out of control. I try to count to ten. Try to keep her on task and walk away. When I return she is again disobeying and I lose it. She talks back and I smack her across the mouth and her sweet innocent face hits the back of the chair because it is too close. And now it has a small blue mark her pale skin. I feel horribly guilty. I am a horrilble mother…

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When it rains…

March 12, 2010 at 9:55 pm (Uncategorized)

… It really does pour. So the week started off with news of Miss A stealing the rare collectable book from friends of ours. From there we add the news that she stole from my parents. And then last night I go to turn in her GS cookie money and we are over $40 short. And when I go home to check to see if we do by some miracle have $78 worth of cookies at the house it turns out that a box of thin mints is missing. A box of thin mints that were definitely there a week ago. And when we question the most likely culprit she denies that she had anything to do with the cookies….

But alas the cookies aren’t even the worse of my problems. The biggest problem I am now facing I now the fact that I got a nice email from the Payroll department from work and my pay for the next two pay periods is going to be garnished. Yep. I am an official loser. I have hit the bottom of the barrel. At least that is what I feel like. I know there are plently of others who have had their wages garnished before – hell I even think my dad has, it just seems like I can’t catch a break….

As the famous Miss Gretchen Wilson says “When it rains, I pour…” and I think that is going to be my motto for this evening.

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March 10, 2010 at 7:31 pm (Uncategorized) ()

I have a deep sadness in me. Last night I found out that Miss A stole something from my mom…

This isn’t the first time she has stolen something. The first time it was chicken nuggets from my best friend’s son. The next it was make up from my husband’s mom. Then this weekend we found out that she took a rare book from a friend of our’s house. And as I recounted the story to my parents they let me in on the secret they kept from me for the last few months – that she stole a $300 necklace from my mother too…

From my parents… The people who welcpmed her in with no questions. Who love her uncondionally like I do. Who would do almost anything for her, just like me… I am so hurt and ashamed. I feel like I hae doe them wrong. Like I have stolen from them.

What am I to do? How can I trust her? How can I take her any where anymore? I love her with all my heart but I am not doing her justice as a person. She is not learning from me. All she does is lie anymore. And she is failing at school. She does not care about anything… You should have seen it when we confronted her about stealing from my mom she was void of everything. No emotion…

I am lost. What am I to do with my little girl…

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Marriage News

March 9, 2010 at 3:01 pm (Uncategorized) ()

My MIL called my cell phone 3x yesterday during work hours. After she proceeded to call my work phone, I figured it might be something important. Don’t get me wrong I like my MIL its just she tends to be a bit long winded and quite frankly -as of late- I haven’t been much of a phone person.

So I answered the phone figuring that she is going to tell me some sort of momumental news – someone has died, she is pregnant… And what she tells me is that my SIL has set her wedding date. She will be getting married in May by the JOP. And my response is “Good for her.” And I feel sort of blahzah about the whole thing and I genuinely feel bad about it.

I’m just not close to my SIL like I would like to be. I see her two times a year – at Christmas and Miss A’s birthday. We don’t talk on the phone or email. I know her birthday but only because I’m good with dates.

So congrats SIL! I hope we get a phone call telling us you are married or something.

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Morning Disagreements

March 4, 2010 at 1:37 pm (Uncategorized) ()

My mornings never go the way I want them to… Needless to say, today’s was no different. Miss A and I got off to a rough start- her shirt AND jeans were on backwards, she was stomping around the house demanding to know where her tennis shoes were (because I wear them after her), her hair was a rats nest pulled back in a pony tail, and her teeth weren’t brushed. I really wanted to scream at her as I looked at the clock and noticed there was less than ten minutes till her bus arrived.

This is not how I envisioned my child going to school. My child would take pride in how she looked and smelled for that matter. It almost hurts me that Alia doesn’t share the way I feel about those things. I’ve always known she’s more of a tomboy but I still want her to be hygenic and I don’t want her to be made fun of because of her slack ways…

In the end I ended not yelling at her for being so slack this morning. Instead I took her cheeks in my hands looked her straight in the eyes and told her to wake up and start paying more attention to what she is doing. And then I sent her into the bathroom to put her clothes on the right way.

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First and Foremost…

March 1, 2010 at 3:34 pm (Uncategorized)

Well this is it, another blogging adventure. Its not like I haven’t done this before. But this will be different because I’m not going to try to be funny or be someone I’m not. In fact I might not even tell anyone this is here. I will just keep it here and wrote when I want to what I want to and not have to worry about censoring myself or amusing those who might decide to read me.

These are my thoughts and are just for me to get them out of my head. Maybe then I can sleep peacefully at night again. Or at least feel like I can make it throught the day. That is the ultimate goal after all.

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